more than a party

in an email to a great, great friend of mine this morning, my fingers just wouldn’t stop typing. God has really been revealing some important things to me through crazy ways. He really brought it full circle for me this morning, and i’m just so thankful to be in this place…

believe me, i have experienced enough ups and downs with God these last three years for an entire lifetime. i've gone through some spurts of wanting absolutely nothing to do with him, and then loving him more than i thought possible. right now, i'm at this new place that i've never been before with him. it's not turning away from him. it's not burning with a crazy fire for him. it's needing him. a crazy desperation and thirst for HIM that i've never had before. it's weird. and ya know...i think it's where he really, ultimately wants us. i think he's cool with us standing on the corner screaming his name and being just that on fire for him (you and i have been there, right!) and i think he understands those moments/times when we want nothing to do with him at all. but i think what he really longs for, is for us to be somewhere in the middle. somewhere where we are so desperate for his touch, for his direction, for his forgiveness, that we just quietly come to this place where we hit our knees and surrender. and just finally admit: i'm not strong enough. i'm not confident enough. i'm not loved enough. i don't love enough. i'm not sure of this life. i'm lonely. i need you. i need you. i need you. and it's not like this quick fix that we desire, but maybe it's something better. maybe this is a real relationship with Christ. walking thru the fire everyday with him holding our hand. crying together about the crappiness we face in this world. allowing him to be a part of the process of this life, instead of simply seeing him as the destination we long to get to. i think i'm realizing that my relationship with him is not just about me getting to heaven one day. it's more about fully understanding and admitting that i am incapable of doing anything without him at my side. being absolutely without a doubt dependent on his presence. being assured that without allowing him in every moment of my day, i will not survive. and believing that if i do allow him into each moment, i may just be that much closer to not just surviving, but thriving. it's a process, it's not a party. and i think i've always looked at God as someone who is responsible for throwing me a party everyday just because i accepted him. i'm now realizing that the real celebration of the relationship comes in the true, intense, daily intimacy that i'm allowed to have with him. and i have spent the first 8 years of that relationship just using him for the party. and when the party ends, i leave and go on with life until the next invitation is sent and i decide if i want to rsvp this time or not. it’s a process, not a party. and my humble, daily dependence on him is the very strength that will one day confidently lead me to his throne.