Healing the Wound
"Church" this morning consisted of me and my Jesus...just the two of us, and a hot cup of coffee, sitting at the kitchen table in my baller shorts and hoodie; glasses on, sleep in my eyes; my hair whisped back in a short pony with about 18 bobby pins keeping the short, layered strands off the back of my neck.
It was glorious. Exactly what I needed. Just me and God chillin' on a beautiful Sunday morning. I had all these plans for the day. Re-read chapter six in Captivating, journal about it, spend some time in prayer...then maybe some football, a run, coffee with Murph, and Sunday Night at the Miller's!
Boy did God screw up my plans. His plan for me today was a whole lot different than mine. Halfway through chapter six, the Lord tapped into a place in my heart that I thought was good and buried. A place that holds many years of darkness, pain, abandonment, and resentment. A place that I've successfully convinced myself didn't matter; I had conquered it, it didn't define me; I controlled it, it didn't hurt me.
This morning, God looked me right in the eyes, and called my bluff.
We are all wounded. Somewhere along the journey of life, we've been hurt and abused. We've suffered brokeness, and endured unnecessary pain. Each one of us have. Denying the pain that lives within us does not eternally dispose of it. Burying it only buys you time until inevitable erosion occurs. Pretending you're strong and in control is an exhausting act that can only be maintained for so long. Invincibility is meant for superheroes, and a mortal heart can only take so many blows before the walls come crashing down and our Savior says, "ENOUGH!"
This was what Jesus spoke to me today. "Enough, Nicole! I did not intend for you to spend your life convincing yourself and the world that you're okay. Exposing your pain does not insinuate weakness, but affirms the courage that I have placed within your vulnerable heart."
In the words of Sanctus Real, I proudly declare, "I'm not alright." The first step is admitting, right?
Okay, I'll give a candid look into my issue so it makes a little more sense. This hurt I'm talking about stems from my parents' divorce...they've been divorced for 22 years, and I'm just getting around to admitting that it has caused me pain. More specifically, my relationship with my father has caused me pain. More than I admitted or even realized until today.
Divorce is not easy for anyone involved. For some reason, however, the most pressure in any divorce situation inevitably falls on the child(ren) involved. Not quite sure how that happens, or why the adults involved don't make more effort to stop it from happening, but it happens. And it sucks. It sucks big time for the 2-year-old (in my case) who couldn't even speak when it happened, let alone have any part in making a decision that would affect the rest of her life.
It doesn't have to suck quite so bad, however, if the adults involved are willing to really be there for the kid(s). To stand strong for them. To make them feel, that although their family is torn apart, they still have a family...who loves them unconditionally and will fight for them.
There were a few options of how I could deal with the circumstances dealt to me. I could suck it up and deal with it, fight through it, or bury it. I think I used a blend of all of these options over the years. But any way you look at it, when it came to my dad's side of the family, I did it alone.
So there's the issue. And the result? An emotional journey with God that lead to forgiveness for an earthly father, and the beginning of a long healing process between me and my Heavenly Father.
An offer I couldn't refuse...
"God has sent me on a mission
I have some great news for you
God has sent me to RESTORE and RELEASE something
And that something is YOU
I am here to give you back your heart and set you FREE
I am furious at the Enemy who did this to you, and I will fight against Him
Let ME COMFORT YOU
For, dear one, I WILL BESTOW BEAUTY UPON YOU
WHERE YOU HAVE KNOWN ONLY DEVASTATION
Joy, in the places of your deep sorrow
And I will robe your heart in THANKFUL PRAISE
in exchange for your RESIGNATION and DESPAIR"
~Isaiah 61:1-3 (Captivating Adaptation)
I've spent the last year bragging to friends about how I no longer possess tear-ducts..."it's impossible for me to cry!" I would proudly proclaim. As if any form of emotion is a weakness, a sick vulnerability to be ashamed of. Never would I think this of a friend, family member, or stranger in need...but I was different! No need to cry! What's there to cry about...unless you're laughing profusely at the #1 comedy of the year, "Stick it," or singin a lil "Funnnyyyybooone" into a curling iron.
Once again the Lord has humbled me. Brought me to my knees while my tears stream at His feet. Painful memories rushing through my mind rapidly weakened my body into a fragile mess crying out for Jesus to pick up the pieces of my defeated heart.
And He did. As He always does, my Heavenly Father came to my rescue. No questions asked, He saw my need and was by my side. With one hand on my shoulder, and another wiping my tears, He lead me as I faithfully wrote the words, "Dear Dad,". The Lord took it from there. Spilling my heart through my pen, God's honesty and truth surprised me. He challenged me more with each memory and hurt that flowed onto the page. With blurred vision, He didn't miss a beat...it was if these words had been waiting years for this moment to escape from my heart, and they were now...finally...free.
But God didn't stop there. The biggest shocker of the afternoon? Full-fledged forgiveness. Forgiveness that I feared I would never have the courage to give. "Forgiveness says: 'It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God'" (Captivating).
It did matter. And it was wrong. But it doesn't have to control me. define me. or hold me prisoner. I turned in my resignation to the Lord on this one. And in return He released me from a painful trap I wasn't even aware I was stuck in. My Savior set me free, and the restoration process now begins.
I woke this morning with a heart clothed in self-protection, sheltered by a strong, resilient wall. Bruised and a bit tattered around the edges. An empty space just left of the center that may never be quite filled. It beat slow, yet steady, as it rested reluctantly in the hands of God.
I go to bed tonight, with a heart whose wall has crumbled, whose frayed and faded clothes have been removed exposing a vulnerability that only Jesus could uncover. A heart that rests faithfully in the hands of my Savior, Jesus Christ, to whom I give all control to. His hands are slowly healing it as we speak. Mending and stitching those tattered edges. Slowly filling the empty voids, and healing the tender bruises; encasing its essence with a sanctuary of eternal hope that can only be found in Jesus.
Our past is not an excuse for our future to be crummy. Our past is an opportunity to grow closer to God, and gain a deeper understanding of the woman or man He wants us to be.
Tonight I praise Jesus for my past, for the opportunity He gave me to grow closer to Him today, and most of all, for the woman He is preparing me to be.
It was glorious. Exactly what I needed. Just me and God chillin' on a beautiful Sunday morning. I had all these plans for the day. Re-read chapter six in Captivating, journal about it, spend some time in prayer...then maybe some football, a run, coffee with Murph, and Sunday Night at the Miller's!
Boy did God screw up my plans. His plan for me today was a whole lot different than mine. Halfway through chapter six, the Lord tapped into a place in my heart that I thought was good and buried. A place that holds many years of darkness, pain, abandonment, and resentment. A place that I've successfully convinced myself didn't matter; I had conquered it, it didn't define me; I controlled it, it didn't hurt me.
This morning, God looked me right in the eyes, and called my bluff.
We are all wounded. Somewhere along the journey of life, we've been hurt and abused. We've suffered brokeness, and endured unnecessary pain. Each one of us have. Denying the pain that lives within us does not eternally dispose of it. Burying it only buys you time until inevitable erosion occurs. Pretending you're strong and in control is an exhausting act that can only be maintained for so long. Invincibility is meant for superheroes, and a mortal heart can only take so many blows before the walls come crashing down and our Savior says, "ENOUGH!"
This was what Jesus spoke to me today. "Enough, Nicole! I did not intend for you to spend your life convincing yourself and the world that you're okay. Exposing your pain does not insinuate weakness, but affirms the courage that I have placed within your vulnerable heart."
In the words of Sanctus Real, I proudly declare, "I'm not alright." The first step is admitting, right?
Okay, I'll give a candid look into my issue so it makes a little more sense. This hurt I'm talking about stems from my parents' divorce...they've been divorced for 22 years, and I'm just getting around to admitting that it has caused me pain. More specifically, my relationship with my father has caused me pain. More than I admitted or even realized until today.
Divorce is not easy for anyone involved. For some reason, however, the most pressure in any divorce situation inevitably falls on the child(ren) involved. Not quite sure how that happens, or why the adults involved don't make more effort to stop it from happening, but it happens. And it sucks. It sucks big time for the 2-year-old (in my case) who couldn't even speak when it happened, let alone have any part in making a decision that would affect the rest of her life.
It doesn't have to suck quite so bad, however, if the adults involved are willing to really be there for the kid(s). To stand strong for them. To make them feel, that although their family is torn apart, they still have a family...who loves them unconditionally and will fight for them.
There were a few options of how I could deal with the circumstances dealt to me. I could suck it up and deal with it, fight through it, or bury it. I think I used a blend of all of these options over the years. But any way you look at it, when it came to my dad's side of the family, I did it alone.
So there's the issue. And the result? An emotional journey with God that lead to forgiveness for an earthly father, and the beginning of a long healing process between me and my Heavenly Father.
An offer I couldn't refuse...
"God has sent me on a mission
I have some great news for you
God has sent me to RESTORE and RELEASE something
And that something is YOU
I am here to give you back your heart and set you FREE
I am furious at the Enemy who did this to you, and I will fight against Him
Let ME COMFORT YOU
For, dear one, I WILL BESTOW BEAUTY UPON YOU
WHERE YOU HAVE KNOWN ONLY DEVASTATION
Joy, in the places of your deep sorrow
And I will robe your heart in THANKFUL PRAISE
in exchange for your RESIGNATION and DESPAIR"
~Isaiah 61:1-3 (Captivating Adaptation)
I've spent the last year bragging to friends about how I no longer possess tear-ducts..."it's impossible for me to cry!" I would proudly proclaim. As if any form of emotion is a weakness, a sick vulnerability to be ashamed of. Never would I think this of a friend, family member, or stranger in need...but I was different! No need to cry! What's there to cry about...unless you're laughing profusely at the #1 comedy of the year, "Stick it," or singin a lil "Funnnyyyybooone" into a curling iron.
Once again the Lord has humbled me. Brought me to my knees while my tears stream at His feet. Painful memories rushing through my mind rapidly weakened my body into a fragile mess crying out for Jesus to pick up the pieces of my defeated heart.
And He did. As He always does, my Heavenly Father came to my rescue. No questions asked, He saw my need and was by my side. With one hand on my shoulder, and another wiping my tears, He lead me as I faithfully wrote the words, "Dear Dad,". The Lord took it from there. Spilling my heart through my pen, God's honesty and truth surprised me. He challenged me more with each memory and hurt that flowed onto the page. With blurred vision, He didn't miss a beat...it was if these words had been waiting years for this moment to escape from my heart, and they were now...finally...free.
But God didn't stop there. The biggest shocker of the afternoon? Full-fledged forgiveness. Forgiveness that I feared I would never have the courage to give. "Forgiveness says: 'It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God'" (Captivating).
It did matter. And it was wrong. But it doesn't have to control me. define me. or hold me prisoner. I turned in my resignation to the Lord on this one. And in return He released me from a painful trap I wasn't even aware I was stuck in. My Savior set me free, and the restoration process now begins.
I woke this morning with a heart clothed in self-protection, sheltered by a strong, resilient wall. Bruised and a bit tattered around the edges. An empty space just left of the center that may never be quite filled. It beat slow, yet steady, as it rested reluctantly in the hands of God.
I go to bed tonight, with a heart whose wall has crumbled, whose frayed and faded clothes have been removed exposing a vulnerability that only Jesus could uncover. A heart that rests faithfully in the hands of my Savior, Jesus Christ, to whom I give all control to. His hands are slowly healing it as we speak. Mending and stitching those tattered edges. Slowly filling the empty voids, and healing the tender bruises; encasing its essence with a sanctuary of eternal hope that can only be found in Jesus.
Our past is not an excuse for our future to be crummy. Our past is an opportunity to grow closer to God, and gain a deeper understanding of the woman or man He wants us to be.
Tonight I praise Jesus for my past, for the opportunity He gave me to grow closer to Him today, and most of all, for the woman He is preparing me to be.
posted by the way I see it... at 9:50 PM
1 Comments:
Thanks for posting again! :)
Now, my thoughts. Pain and hurt are a natural part of life, even for a life that knows God. However, what I think God wants us to do with our pain and hurt is to take it to Him, lay it at His feet, and trust He will take care of the rest (and not try to carry the burden ourselves). Now I realize that's not always easy to do - why else would I want to someday be a counselor, but to help others lay their burdens down at Christ's feet. That's not to say that I can easily do this either, because I still struggle with past hurts - a verbally and sometimes physically abusive father, and a broken engagement to the woman I thought was the "one" for me - but what God is teaching me over time is that it's a process, one that can sometimes take awhile for us to lay the burden down, as long as we eventually do lay it down.
Thanks for sharing your struggles with us, because it helps us to see that we are not alone with our own struggles.
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